


Clinker

by DramaforyourLlama



Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anakin Skywalker Redemption, Angst, Dark Anakin Skywalker, Everyone Needs A Hug, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Human Disaster Anakin Skywalker, Temporary Character Death, That's Not How The Force Works (Star Wars), Time Loop, Unhealthy Relationships, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:49:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24418408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DramaforyourLlama/pseuds/DramaforyourLlama
Summary: Anakin Skywalker is ready to take his place in his new Empire and leave his old life behind. If only he could stop waking up on the Invisible Hand with the man who left him to burn.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 87
Kudos: 157
Collections: favourite fics from a galaxy far far away





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Clink-er:  
> (Noun)  
> 1\. The stony residue from burned coal or a furnace  
> 2\. Informal, North American- Something that is unsatisfactory, of poor quality, or a failure
> 
> Alternate Summary: Anakin thinks and behaves erratically, makes terrible life choices, and goes above and beyond to justify those choices. Everyone suffers for it except for Palpatine who deserves a punch to the face.  
> Or: Anakin Skywalker needs therapy and some sleep. He gets neither.

Anakin was burning. His hand clawed at the ground in front of him, desperately searching for some way to escape the pain. Everything around and inside Anakin was blurring together until all that was left were the flames eating away at everything he was and Obi-Wan Kenobi who had caused it.

_I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!_

"You were my brother, Anakin! I loved you!" Something familiar and old twitched inside - _Love me, love me, don't ever leave me -_ until that, too, was burnt away. 

Obi-Wan stood there, as smug as always, while Anakin burned by Obi-Wan' s hand and he had the nerve to say he loved him? 

_Liar! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!_

Obi-Wan walked away, leaving Anakin alone. Anakin snarled and closed his eyes.

* * *

"Anakin! Now is not the time for a nap. In case you've forgotten, we're crashing!"

Vader's eyes snapped open. Obi-Wan couldn't even do him the kindness of letting him burn in peace. 

_I hate you, I hate you, I hate you_. 

How dare that man? How dare he? Vader lunged at that voice with everything he had left.

"Anakin! What's going on?"

"My dear boy! Get back in your seat before we all die!"

His metal hand grasped onto flesh and Vader squeezed. 

_Die! Betrayer, brother, murderer. You left me!_

The man below him moved his mouth as if trying to speak and grasped at Vader's wrist. Vader held on tighter and stared into Obi-Wan's eyes. There was fear there and a deep sadness. Good. 

There was suddenly a hand on his shoulder, pulling him around. "Anakin, continue this after we land. I have no desire to die in such a pathetic manner."

Vader froze. That was his new master. What was the Chancellor doing on Mustafar? Keeping his hand around Obi-Wan's neck, Vader turned around to face Sidious.

There was the Chancellor reaching across from his seat, flashing light from the ship's monitor illuminating his… The ship? What ship? And hadn't Palpatine looked different when Vader had left him on Coruscant?

Quickly Vader glanced around and drunk in his surroundings. It was then that he noticed what he probably would have noticed sooner if it wasn't for that traitor Obi-Wan. Vader was standing and the burning had stopped.

That wasn't all. While Vader could still smell the ash and burning flesh, the air was much more clear and there was also the distinct smell that usually followed a battle with droids.

"Anakin! The ship," Vader's Master said with obvious frustration.

Oh, right. Apparently they were crashing. Vader glanced around at the ship again. Was this…? This was the Invisible Hand! But they had crashed that cruiser during the battle of Coruscant. 

Confused, Vader quickly moved back towards the pilot's chair. The ship was falling fast. Vader didn't have time to pull up and the landing strip was coming awfully close.

Vader was vaguely aware of Obi-Wan and Vader's Master speaking, and then the Invisible Hand hit the ground and Vader was burning for the second time that day. 

* * *

"Anakin!"

Vader jolted at the sound of that voice but forced himself to stay still. He needed to figure out what was happening. A quick glance around told him that he was back on the Invisible Hand, it was currently suffering from plenty of damage, and both his Master and Obi-Wan Kenobi were to the sides of him.

They had died just moments before, Vader was sure of it. What was happening? Was this his repayment for saving Padmé; forced to spend an eternity crashing over and over again with the man who had killed him and turned her against him? Vader's hand tightened on the controls. No, he would not be stuck here for eternity. He had landed this kriffing cruiser before and he'd do it again.

"Anakin, is something the matter?" The voice spoke from his left and Vader clenched his jaw. Blast that man. 

"Shut up!"

_I hate you, I hate you, I hate you._

Mercifully, Kenobi did.

Vader turned all his focus on the controls in front of him. They were coming in hot but had apparently already reverted power and initiated the landing sequence so all he needed to do was pull slightly up, bring them in slowly, and keep them from crashing.

The cockpit remained silent while Vader worked and they landed without too much trouble. Vader worked his jaw in circles. He had been clenching it too tight. Obi-Wan always did say Anakin was going to give himself jaw problems.

"Another happy landing." Hadn't Vader told him to shut up? Oh well. They had landed alive. Vader no longer needed to focus and could finally deal with the traitor. 

Hand on his 'saber, Vader stood up. He moved towards Kenobi who's eyes widened in confusion. Vader drew his blade as quick as a Tatooine sandstorm and stuck it through Kenobi's chest. 

Of course, Obi-Wan Kenobi could not go easy and his hand found Vader's. "Anakin, why?" A shaky breath was taken and then he continued. "I thought… we were brothers… I love…" His eyes went unfocused and then Obi-Wan Kenobi stopped breathing. 

Vader knew his former master would be unable to hear him, but he responded anyways. "Because, Obi-Wan, you left me! You betrayed me!" Vader grasped the hand that had fallen from his wrist and laid it on Obi-Wan's lap, squeezing it gently before letting go.

"My dear boy! I had sensed the anger grow inside you during our descent but I had no idea it was so strong. What did Master Kenobi do?"

That was Palpatine. Vader had forgotten he was there. 

"He betrayed me, Master," Vader said, his eyes still resting on the body in front of him.

He had done it, he had killed Kenobi and kept the Invisible Hand from crashing. If this was some sort of eternal torment, Vader had already beaten it. That just left the question of what he was supposed to do now.

"He betrayed you?" There was some strange inflection in his Master’s voice but Vader couldn’t tell what it was. He started to say more but was interrupted by a siren signalling that Planetary Security arrived on the scene. “Well, when we arrive at the Senate Building you must tell me more about this betrayal.”

Vader nodded but he was distracted. Planetary Security was here? What sort of eternal torment included Planetary Security? Something softened inside Vader. Maybe this wasn’t some sort of afterlife. Maybe the force had seen Vader’s injustice and had given him a second chance. He could still save Padmé!

Vader followed Palpatine out onto the landing strip. The Chancellor was already speaking with a Security Officer and soon they were aboard a shuttle headed towards the senate building. 

There was a party of Senators and aids when they arrived, just like there had been the last time. Chancellor Palpatine was escorted away but he sent a pointed look at Vader before he did so. Right, Vader would need to follow behind soon to explain himself to his Master. He would need to decide what to tell him. Sidious was a powerful Sith Lord; if Vader told him about this second chance then perhaps Palpatine could help him make sure it didn’t go to waste. 

A soft hand grabbed his wrist and Vader found himself being pulled into an alcove. 

Vader relaxed. He remembered this. Looking down, he found himself staring into the kind and beautiful eyes of his wife. “Ani, something wonderful has happened!”

Yes, something wonderful had indeed happened. Vader moved his flesh hand to Padmé’s cheek, finding delight in the smooth skin. “Yes, I know. And Obi-Wan is dead and you’re safe now! Everything’s going to be perfect.”

Padmé’s eyes went wide and her hand went to her mouth. “Oh, Ani! Obi-Wan’s dead? That’s terrible! What happened? How is that a wonderful thing?” 

Oh. Padmé of course didn’t know what Obi-Wan had done. He hadn’t yet turned her against him or left him for dead, after all. And he never would. 

“Nothing, you needn’t worry,” Vader said, smoothing her brow. “All that matters is that we’re going to have a baby and nothing’s going to go wrong and you’re not going to die.”

Padme stepped back and Vader’s hand was suddenly touching only air. “What? Anakin, how did you know about the baby?”

Vader stepped forward and grabbed her shoulder. “The force.”

His wife seemed to relax a little at that, but her eyes still seemed unfocused and her brow was furrowed. “Oh, of course. But what’s this about Obi-Wan? Did Dooku kill him?”

Vader’s stomach clenched. Why was she so concerned with Obi-Wan? HIs grip tightened around her shoulder slightly. “Obi-Wan doesn’t matter!”

Padmé flinched. “Of-of course. I was only worried that you’d be upset. He's always been you're dear friend."

Vader supposed that was reasonable. After all, as far as she was concerned Obi-Wan and Anakin were still incredibly close. He nodded. “Yes, of course. I’m fine. You don’t need to worry.”

Vader’s wife gave him a small smile but it quickly disappeared into something that looked like confusion. She then reached out and pressed her fingers right below Vader’s left eye and stared at him as if searching for something.

“What’s the matter, Angel?” 

Her finger moved up to Vader’s brow. “I didn’t notice it before, but your eyes are gold!”

Flinching back from her slightly, Vader gently grabbed Padmé’s wrist and held it for a moment. His eyes were gold? Well, that could be a problem. If he ran into any Jedi, they would be onto him right away. “What? That’s strange. You know, it’s probably just a trick of the light. Nothing to concern yourself about.”

Brow still furrowed, Padmé nodded. “Oh, alright. Anakin, I need to go. I’ll see you tonight? We can talk about our baby then.”

Vader leaned down and kissed her. “I’ll be there. We’ll celebrate.” He watched her go for a moment then made his way to the Chancellor’s office. He passed a few Senators and aids as he hurried by. They shot him wide-eyed looks and some even had the courage to try and speak to him, but Vader brushed past all of them.

When he arrived the Chancellor was seated at his desk going through some paperwork, but he stood up when he heard Vader come in.

“Ah, Anakin my boy! Come in, come in!”

Vader stepped forward until he was right in front of the desk. “My Master, we have much to discuss. So much has happened. I need your help.”

Palpatine leaned forward and put his hands under his chin. “Master, you call me. Why is that?”

“I know that you’re the Sith Lord Darth Sidious,” Vader said, “That’s part of what I need to tell you. I’ve lived this day before, and several days after. I failed last time. You have to help me succeed now.” He told his Master everything that had happened up until that point, not leaving a single thing out. When he was finished he collapsed on one of the chairs in front of him. He suddenly felt worn and empty.

By the end of the tale Palpatine was on the edge of his seat. He smiled and his eyes crinkled. Vader shivered. “I succeeded then. Good. I hadn’t planned on executing my plans until Grievous had been discovered and you were ready to take your place by my side but it seems that we must move forward now.”

Vader rubbed his chin. “I am ready to take my place now. But if we need more time I can pretend I am still on the side of the Jedi Council.”

The Sith Lord stared at Vader for a long moment and chuckled. “No, you will not fool the council in your current state. We will act now.”

Bowing his head, Vader spoke, “Yes, my Master. Shall I march on the temple?”

“Yes, you shall. I suspect by now that the Council has learned of our safe return and is suspicious of Master Kenobi’s failure to report. If we wait much longer it will give them time to interfere.” Palpatine stood up and moved to the side of his desk.

He gestured to Vader and Vader followed, kneeling before his master. “Rise, Darth Vader. Do your duty and destroy those jedi.” 

Palpatine went to the holotable and Vader left the room. 

It took no time at all to gather the 501st and they soon began their march on the temple. Last time Vader had done this he had been bursting with conflicted emotions. This time he felt nothing. 

The temple was soon filled with nothing but bodies and memories. Vader returned to his Master and received further instructions. It was Mustafar again! That blasted place. This time, however, there would be no Obi-Wan Kenobi to ruin things. 

Before leaving, Vader stopped to check on Padmé. Had had told her that he would spend the night with her and it wouldn’t do if she thought he’d forgotten her. 

She was standing on the landing platform just as she had been last time. As soon as he had stepped off the ramp she was in his arms. “I saw the smoke from the temple. I’ve been so worried.”

Vader pressed his nose against her hair. It smelt familiar and he remembered being fascinated as she taught him how to wash it. He had never known that just washing hair could be such a delicate and time consuming process. “Everything’s fine. The Jedi have been dealt with and the Republic will know peace.”

Padmé pushed herself back and tried to get out of his arms, but Vader grasped at her elbows. “Dealt with? Why would the Jedi need to be dealt with?”

“They’ve betrayed the Republic! They’re planning to overthrow the Chancellor,” Vader said, quickly losing patience. “The Chancellor is calling an emergency session soon, he’ll explain it all then.” Vader had no idea what Sidious was planning on saying as this time Mace Windu had not been sent to kill him, but Vader didn’t particularly care. They had won and Padmé would be safe. That’s all that mattered.

“He is? Anakin, I’m so confused. And frightened.”

Vader sighed. “I have to go, but I promise I’ll explain as soon as I get back.”

“What? You’re leaving now, of all times? Where are you going?”

Vader considered his options. He had told her where he was going last time and look where that had led him. Obi-Wan was not around now, however, to turn her against Vader. It wouldn’t hurt to tell her if it would bring her comfort. 

“Mustafar. There are Separatists there who must be dealt with. I’ll be back soon.” He bent down to kiss her but Padmé turned her face away. Vader scowled and grasped her jaw, tilting it back towards him. Holding tight, he pressed his lips against hers. “I’ll be back soon.”

Padmé took a deep breath and wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Alright, I’ll see you soon.”

Why wasn’t she looking at him? Vader rubbed her jaw once before letting go and getting back aboard his ship. Let his wife have her secrets. As long as they didn’t concern Obi-Wan or her safety, Vader would allow her her privacy.

The trip to Mustafar was quick and uneventful, as was his business there. He was returning to his ship when he ran into Padmé. “Anakin!”

What was she doing here? Obi-Wan was dead! He wasn’t there to convince her to ambush him. “Padmé, why are you here?”

“Anakin, Bail has told me the most terrible things about what happened at the temple,” Padmé said, “Children all dead, no survivors. It was a massacre! Tell me you didn’t have anything to do with it.”

Organa? What did he have to do with the temple? “You came all this way just to find that out? Of course I had something to do with it! The Jedi are traitors. All of them, even the children. They’re evil and rotten and corrupt. We are better off without them!”

Tears were streaming down Padmé’s face so Vader stepped forward and forcefully wiped them away. “No, no it can’t be! You wouldn’t do that. I know you wouldn’t!"

"I did it to save you! Padmé, there is nothing more important to me than my love for you. I would do anything to save you."

Padmé slapped Vader's hands away from her face. "Save me from what? How is the death of the Jedi supposed to save me?"

She didn't understand. That was alright, Vader would make her. "You don't know this, but I've been having dreams of you dying in childbirth. Palpatine can save you, Padmé!"

"Childbirth? Anakin, some of the best healers in the galaxy live on Coruscant! I'm not going to die in childbirth. And even if I did, it wouldn't be worth destroying the republic and killing the Jedi! Did you know Palpatine has declared the Republic an Empire? He calls himself Emperor! My life is not worth this!”

Vader was growing frustrated. Why did she not understand? This conversation was different from the last one but still so similar in tone and Obi-Wan wasn't even here to plant these ideas in her head!

“The Republic has grown corrupt and evil and someone must be in power who can control the Senators from their own wickedness. The Jedi are evil and uncaring and they all deserved to die!” 

Padmé was crying again and shaking her head. “Anakin, I don’t understand what’s happened to you. You’re going down a path I cannot follow!”

Vader froze. She had said those exact words last time, too. It had been because of Obi-Wan. She had denied it, but Vader knew. Only, Obi-Wan was dead! Had he turned her against Vader before he had died? How long had they been together, laughing behind his back? Or maybe Vader had been wrong. Maybe this had nothing at all to do with Obi-Wan and had everything to do with Padmé. Did she not love him anymore? No! “Because of Obi-Wan?”

Padmé’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Obi-Wan? What does he have to do with this? I thought he died on the Invisible Hand?” She paused and her eyes widened in horror. “Unless… Anakin, what happened to Obi-Wan?”

There! Here was a test. If Padmé still loved him then it wouldn’t matter what he had done to Obi-Wan. “I killed him!”

Padmé gasped and rushed to get away from him. In her haste, she tripped and landed on her back. Vader towered over her and stared her down. “No! What’s happened to my husband? Who have you become?”

Vader snarled. “I am your husband! I am still the same person I have always been!”

Shaking her head, she said, “No. I don’t know who this monster in front of me is, but he is not my husband.” She sounded so calm and sad and sure as if she had no doubt of what she was saying. Even disheveled and afraid she held herself like a queen, lips pressed and head held high, tears shining on her cheeks like jewels.

A monster? After all he had done for her, she thought he was a monster?

_You don’t love me, you don’t love me, you don’t love me. Betrayer, liar._

Vader stuck his hand out. The woman on the ground gasped and choked, her hands going to her neck as if trying to remove the invisible grip. Vader looked down at her with disdain. “I’ve slaughtered beings before and you didn’t seem to mind at all. Why is this any different?”

The woman's eyes went wide and she moved her mouth as if trying to speak. Vader held her firmly and watched her squirm. Her breaths became shallower and slower until finally they stopped all together. 

Vader dropped his hand and stared. His vision became blurry. Vader wiped his fingers over his eyes. They came away wet. 

_I’ve done what was right! Why couldn’t she just see? Why couldn’t they love me?_

Anakin collapsed onto the ground and wept.

* * *

There was a hand running through his hair and another one steady on his shoulder. 

“Anakin! Can you hear me? Take a deep breath and tell me what’s happened.”

Anakin took a shaky breath and leaned his head against the chest behind him. It had been so long since Obi-Wan had run his hand through Anakin’s hair like that. He must have really scared him. What had happened?

Memories flooded through him and Vader sat up quickly. Palpatine was directly to Vader’s side, keeping the controls of the ship steady. Obi-Wan was indeed behind Vader, one hand in his hair and the other on his shoulder. 

Vader struggled out of Obi-Wan’s grip. How dare he pretend like he cared!

“I’m fine!” He pushed Palpatine’s hands off the controls and took control in steadying them. He was on the Invisible Hand again. Vader’s thoughts ran wild. Was he being given another chance? He could find out why Padmé stopped loving him! He could fix it all. But what had gone wrong in the first place? What did he need to change?

“Are you sure you’ll be fine to land us, Padawan?” His voice had that familiar note of concern Obi-Wan always used when he was worried. It made Vader’s stomach turn. 

“Yes! I said I was fine! Don’t pretend to care.”

“Anakin, of course I care! There’s -”

A cough interrupted him from Vader’s right and Vader was filled with gratitude. “If this could wait until we make it out of this alive?”

“Of course, Chancellor. I am sorry for my lack of decorum. Anakin, we’ll speak of this later.”

Vader snorted. No, they wouldn’t. _You left me, you left me, you left me! Liar!_

Vader knew what he needed to change. He had been foolish to kill Obi-Wan so soon before. Vader had been meant to kill him on Mustafar and the Force was giving him a chance to make it right. Obi-Wan would know what it felt like to burn.

Landing the Invisible Hand was easier than it had been the last time and soon they were speaking with Planetary Security.

The ride to the Senate Building was tense and uncomfortable and as soon as they arrived Vader made his escape. 

He was careful to scan for any sense of Padmé before entering the building. He couldn’t face her until he figured out why she had stopped loving him. He was still so angry. 

He could barely feel her in the Force, but there she was inside. She could probably see him. He was going to have to find some sort of excuse not to speak to her. 

Something was wrong. Obi-Wan’s force signature hadn’t left yet. Why was he still here? 

“Anakin.” Oh. When Obi-Wan had said he wanted to talk later, he had meant it. Of course he would know that Vader would not want to speak and that he was more than capable of avoiding Obi-Wan when he wanted to.

“No.”

“No what, Anakin?” Obi-Wan didn’t sound overly concerned, but his voice was unbearably soft. 

“No, I don’t want to talk to you. Go bother somebody else.”

Obi-Wan sighed and ran his hand down his face. “Anakin, I know that things have been stressful lately and that sending Ahsoka to Mandalore on her own was difficult, but-”

That man was making it hard for Vader to wait until Mustafar to kill him. “No, Obi-Wan!”

With that Vader stalked into the Senate Building. He sensed Padmé's approach and he snarled in her direction. “Not. Now!” He continued to storm away without caring to see her reaction.

This time things went very much the same as the last time. He told Sidious everything and Order 66 was set in motion early. 

He was sure to tell Padmé when he was headed to Mustafar. She had tried to delay him with questions of what was wrong and he could sense she was dying to tell him of his children but Vader did not have the time or patience! He needed to get to Mustafar and kill Obi-Wan so everything could be perfect.

The separatists were easily dispatched and he immediately went to where he knew Padmé’s cruiser would land. He didn’t have to wait long.

Padmé stepped off first. Vader immediately looked behind her. “Where’s Obi-Wan?”

“What? Anakin, Obi-Wan’s not here! He's told me some terrible things and that’s why I came, but I came alone."

Vader brushed past her and walked towards the ship. “Obi-Wan! I know you’re there! Come out and face me!”

Obi-Wan came into view through the ship and slowly started to descend the ramp, R2-D2 close behind him.. His face was solemn and his right hand was shaking. “Anakin.”

Vader nodded. “Obi-Wan. I’m glad you came.”

Obi-Wan obviously wasn't expecting that. Good; let the unflappable Jedi Master be unbalanced for once. “You are? I didn’t think you would be.”

I am. Now I can pay you forward for all you’ve done to me. This time I will win.”

“What? I do not wish to fight you, merely to talk. What you’ve done is related to whatever happened to you on the Invisible Hand, isn’t it? Anakin, we can fix whatever happened, just talk to me!”  
  


Something twitched inside him at the words - _Love me, love me, love me, don’t leave me -_ but Vader pushed it away to the farthest corners of his soul.

No, the only way Obi-Wan could fix anything was by letting Vader kill him. Vader drew his lightsaber and stalked towards Obi-Wan. “You’re too late, old fool. Only one of us is going to leave here with Padmé and it’s not going to be you.”

“Anakin, it does not have to be this way.” But his hand still went for his lightsaber. “Padme, go wait in the ship.” 

Padmé shook her head and stayed where she was, her hand coming to rest on R2’s dome. “No! Anakin, please let us help you! We both love you. This isn’t who you are.” 

“For once Obi-Wan is right. Padmé, go wait in the ship. This doesn’t concern you.” R2 whirled something unflattering and rude towards Vader which he gracefully ignored. 

Padmé might have said something else but all of Vader’s attention was focused on the man in front of him. He stalked towards him and brought his ‘Saber in an overhead strike, aiming for Obi-Wan’s head. Obi-Wan blocked it with a strike of his own and they were off. 

They met each other blow for blow as they moved towards the place where Vader had left the Separatists. There was no one who was Vader’s equal in combat the way Obi-Wan was. In fact, Anakin Skywalker had always insisted that Obi-Wan was his only equal in everything. Vader would disagree with Anakin now. He was much more powerful than Obi-Wan and was strong where Obi-Wan was weak, but he still would admit that there was an exhilaration that came when fighting Obi-Wan Kenobi.

The dance continued until finally they were at that spot where Anakin Skywalker had burned. The first time they had fought here, Vader had been sloppy and rash. This time he would be smarter. 

“It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground.” Always so self-righteous, that Kenobi. Vader closed his eyes, stretched out his hand, and pulled on the Force with all his might. Obi-Wan’s eyes went wide as he started to move towards Vader. He tried to fight it, of course, but Anakin had always been stronger in the force. Vader pulled until Obi-Wan was floating directly over the lava and then he let go.

Obi-Wan gasped as his body fell into the heat, but he kept his dignity and didn’t cry out. Vader allowed himself a small grin before jumping over his former master and landing where Obi-Wan had been moments before. 

He walked purposefully up the hill. Now they were even. 

In no time at all he was back to the ship and looked around quickly. Padmé had followed orders and waited on the ship after all. 

Vader climbed up the ramp and made his way inside. Padmé stood up from where she was seated and searched him with probing eyes. “Obi-wan, did you…?” She seemed to realise what she was asking and swallowed, wringing her fingers together.

“Yes, he’s dead. Now he knows what it feels like to be abandoned to burn by someone you trusted above all else! And now it’s finished. I can find out why you stopped loving me and I can fix everything.”

Padmé fell back on her seat. “I have never stopped loving you! Anakin, you’re breaking my heart!”

Vader ignored her and headed towards the cockpit. He would not go through this again.

When he reached his destination, he sat in the pilot’s chair and let himself celebrate his victory. He smiled and closed his eyes.

* * *

He opened them on the Invisible Hand.

  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Vader makes some progress but really doesn't make any progress at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next few chapters are all going to be 'snapshots' of just a few of the loops, each chapter focusing on something different. I'm purposely vague about how many loops have happened so you can decide for yourself how long it's been.

When Anakin Skywalker was 9 and adjusting to life at the temple, Obi-Wan had sat him down after a particularly rough day and put on the holodrama, “Trouble Over Alderaan.” He had loved it instantly and had watched it over and over again for days until he knew the story by heart and could recite all of the lines with the characters.

That’s what Darth Vader felt like now; a player in a holodrama that had been put on endless repeat. 

* * *

Obi-Wan Kenobi parried Darth Vader's overhead blow, pushing his blade up and away. Vader had fought this same battle in this same place about a dozen times and still he could rarely land a hit on Obi-Wan.

This time, as it often did, the thought made his blood boil. 

.

.

Vader stalked the floor of the Chancellor’s office like a wild animal. “Multiple times I’ve killed Obi-Wan Kenobi and still I am stuck here! Master, tell me what I’m doing wrong.”

“Perhaps, my apprentice, it is because you have not completely let go of Anakin Skywalker,” Sidious said from his desk.

Darth Vader immediately stopped his pacing to stare at the Sith Master. “Anakin Skywalker is completely gone. Kenobi killed him! Nothing is left.”

Locking his fingers together and resting his chin on them, Sidious spoke, “Hmm. What about our dear Senator Amidala, then? You have told me she no longer feels any love for you, yet still you let her control you.

“Nobody controls me! Padmé will love me again, I will make sure of it! She is mine, and we will raise our children together under your Empire!”

Resuming his pacing, Vader clenched his jaw and did his best to tune out his Master’s laughter. 

.

.

"Anakin, something wonderful has happened. I'm pregnant!"

Vader kissed her and held her and soaked in the smell and feel of her. He had been avoiding her for a while but had ultimately given in to his need to see her.

Everything he'd done had been for her, why should he be forced to stay away just because she had changed? 

She stepped back from him slightly. “Anakin, did you hear me? What are we going to do?” Padmé looked nervous and scared and clung to his hand like he had all the answers. She seemed so full of love now, where had it gone wrong?

“I’m going to fix everything and we’ll be a real family. You, me and our baby.”

.

.

"It's over, Anakin. I have the high ground!"

Darth Vader roared and, leaning forward slightly for better aim, threw his lightsaber at the hated man.

He must have over-extended himself because the makeshift raft he stood on rocked and Vader found himself tumbling into the lava. 

He had just enough time to register that Obi-Wan had dodged the 'saber - _blast him_ \- and was yelling something with his hand outstretched and then Vader was once again burning.

.

.

The Chancellor’s office was frigid and he fought the urge to wrap his arms around himself. When Vader had first started telling this tale to Sidious, he had gone over everything in painful detail and made sure to leave nothing out. 

Now, he rushed over it as quickly as he could, getting only his main point across. Sidious smiled throughout, wide and unsettling. Vader was beginning to despise that smile almost more than he despised Obi-Wan’s dying look of acceptance or R2-D2’s beeps of disgust. 

.

.

He stopped telling Padmé when he went to Mustafar. 

He made sure Kenobi always knew where he was going. Sometimes he would record a message in the temple with his destination, or he would tell C-3PO with strict instructions not to tell anyone but Kenobi. Once he had even commed Kenobi directly - That had been painful and not worth repeating - but he would not tell Padmé.

She couldn’t betray him if she didn’t have information to betray. 

.

.

Sometimes, he couldn’t get out of going to the Jedi Temple no matter how much he tried.

The first time he spent the entire ride up to see the Council pacing the length of the lift, fists clenched and heart full of rage. 

Kenobi had been there, of course. "Anakin, if you need a moment before we see the Council I can have them delay. I am here for you if you need someone to listen." 

Vader had not wasted a moment to dignify that with a response and instead threw Kenobi out of the durasteel window behind them. 

Needless to say, he did not see the Jedi Council that day.

.

.

“Rise, Darth Vader!”

The first time Vader had knelt and responded to his new name had been a time of turmoil. Now it was as comfortable as slipping into an old glove and just as confining.

His Master grinned as Vader rose and the smile grew when he said, “I will go to Mustafar, my Master, to put an end to the remaining Separatists and to destroy Kenobi.”

.

.

“Ani, you haven’t come to bed. Have you been sleeping at all?” Vader jumped from where he was seated by the fountain.

Padmé stood there staring at him with worry. Clad in her nightgown with the moonlight shining in her hair she looked so much like the angel he had first mistaken her for. “No, I don’t need to sleep.”

Her expression grew deeper and she moved to sit down beside him. He sat the data pad he’d been studying off to the side. “You’ve been fighting in the Outer Rim for months! I imagine you’re tired and need your rest.”

How could she be concerned with something like sleep? Didn’t she want him to fix this loop? He had much more important things to do. 

“I’m fine, Padmé. Go back to bed and don’t worry about me.” Looking as if she’d like to argue, Padmé leaned over to give him a quick kiss and then went back to their bedroom.

.

.

Darth Vader opened his eyes on The Invisible Hand. The flagship welcomed him like an old and unwanted friend and he grit his teeth as he took in his surroundings.

Week after week (Could he even divide them by weeks if they were all the same?) he fought and raged and week after week he ended up here. He was being dragged around like the Force’s favorite toy. Benevolent, the Jedi had always taught. Not a nursemaid, but still guiding and just. They were all wrong!

"Anakin, really!" There was that stupid voice again. Out of all the Jedi, he was the worst. He had caused this. His death should have ended it, so why was Vader still here?

“My name is Darth Vader!"

.

.

They walked together to the Chancellor’s office. He noticed Padmé scurry away when she saw his companion.

“My dear boy, you seem rather tense. Is something the matter?”

Here Vader would often glance around furtively to make sure no one was listening before starting in on his story. This time he kept his hands behind his back and sent Sidious his best indifferent look as he said, “No Chancellor, everything is fine.”

.

.

(Anakin Skywalker has obeyed the orders of Chancellor Palpatine turned Sith Lord Sidious over and over again and has poured his heart out to him nearly as often. Now, however, he is chafing under his Master’s overbearing gaze. Still he obeys him because what else is there to do? Who in the galaxy has more power to help him than this man?

-Sheev Palpatine has Anakin Skywalker under his thumb and always enjoys the thrum of power he feels when he succeeds in manipulating the Jedi’s ‘chosen one.’ Sometimes though, rare as it might be, Anakin Skywalker defies him in small ways. Sheev Palpatine never remembers these moments, but each time they make him furious.) 

.

.

  
  
  


Darth Vader and Padmé walked together through the Senate Building. Padmé was careful to make sure enough distance remained between them to appear professional and Vader hated it.

Now that Vader spent his days away from the Jedi Temple, he had a lot more time to spend with his wife. She was always busy, but Vader made sure she had time for him. Right now, they were on their way to lunch.

“Anakin, does the Chancellor speak to you about his political goals at all?” Her eyes remained fixed resolutely ahead as she asked, but her fingers twisted together nervously. Vader stared at her in confusion. They had never really talked about the Chancellor or politics before; the one time Palpatine and his politics had come up in their private conversations it had led to their only real fight.

“Why does that matter?”

“Oh, I was just wondering. Things are so different now and it’s hard to know where people stand.” 

The words were pretty and the request understandable, but a sense of doubt sprang into Vader’s mind. Sidious had often insinuated that Padmé might be with the dissenting Senators. Vader had always denied it, even though he knew that his wife was very particular in her politics and had many friends that were among the dissenters. Padmé would always side with him and would never  _ really  _ go against the Chancellor. Now, however, he had to wonder if that was strictly true. She had stopped loving him, after all, and seemed to have sympathy for those Jedi. Vader had to come to the conclusion that he really couldn’t know what she would do.

“If I were you, I’d stop worrying about the Chancellor’s political goals and start worrying about your own. You want peace for the galaxy, don’t you? Where do your loyalties lie?”   
  


Padmé stopped in the middle of the hallway, crossed her arms, and turned to stare at Vader with a steely look in her eyes. “Just what are you insinuating? My loyalty is to the republic! Of course I want peace for the galaxy!” 

Vader had stopped as well and now he nodded and said, “Yes and the Chancellor will bring it. Now let’s not talk about politics anymore. You only have a short time for lunch and I don’t want to waste it.”

Padmé sighed but started walking again. “I’m sorry I brought it up. We’ll just enjoy each other’s company.”

.

.

Obi-Wan Kenobi stood in the hallway, ‘saber drawn, with a handful of initiates crowded behind him when Vader came around the corner. The sight took Vader momentarily off guard; Obi-Wan had never been in the temple during the siege before. He signals the clones behind him to stand down. This was something worth investigating.

“Kenobi. You should be apprehending Grievous.”

Vader watched as Obi-Wan noticed his drawn saber and the clones behind him. His eyes widened and his expression- solemn to begin with- became positively dour. He made the obvious connection, then.

“Oh, so you do care about the workings of the Jedi after all? I do not want to know how you even knew about Utupua at all,” Kenobi said, his stare pointed and tone full of destain. “I thought it would be best if I stayed behind. I have not seen you since we rescued the Chancellor, Anakin, and not even Senator Amidala knew what had happened. I was worried for you.” Kenobi’s eyes flickered briefly back to the clones before resting once again on Vader with a laser focus. “I see I was right to. Anakin, just what do you think killing your fellow Jedi, your family, will accomplish?”

Vader’s grip tightens on his ‘saber hilt. He should have just let the clones fire. No amount of information was worth listening to Kenobi lecture. He brought his ‘saber up and moved into an attack stance. “That doesn’t matter! I am going to kill you and every member of your precious Jedi.”

The younglings behind the Jedi Master squirmed and murmured. A young Twi’lek pulled on Kenobi’s robe. Obi-Wan gently shushed them before turning back to Vader. He shooed the younglings into a corner and then moved into a guard stance.

Kenobi won, as he should have expected. Obi-Wan never fought as well as he did when he had someone to protect.

.

.

  
  


As soon as he stepped into the apartment Vader sensed Kenobi. Padmé came to greet him with a smile and moved to hug him but stopped when she saw the look on his face. 

“Ani, what’s wrong?”

“Obi-Wan was here!”

Padmé looked a little confused as she said, “Yes, he was here earlier. Did something happen between you two? He seemed really worried. Frankly, I’m a little worried as well.”

Vader clenched his jaw momentarily and felt the rage turning inside of him. “You’ve been seeing him behind my back! I thought I had been wrong but I was right!”

“What? Anakin, I don’t understand. Are you accusing me and Obi-Wan of… of… having an affair?” Her nose was scrunched up in disbelief and she stretched out her hand as if to calm a wild animal. Before she could touch him, he grabbed her wrist as tight as he could.

“Don’t act as if it’s so unbelievable. He’s Obi-Wan! Of course you’d prefer him to me! Both of you have betrayed me, even after all I’ve done for you! You’ve been with him, laughing behind my back, and that’s why you no longer-”

His cheek stung and he could feel it growing red. Padmé was staring at her free hand as if it had moved on its own. She met his eyes briefly and then flinched and moved back as far as she could. Vader still clutched her wrist.

.

.

(Anakin Skywalker loves Padmé Amidala and he has always been proud of that fact. For so long, that love has been more important than anything else and he would do anything to keep that love alive. Padmé Amidala no longer seems to care. 

Anakin Skywalker has hurt Padmé Amidala and he has done it in the name of that love. He isn’t proud of it, but he can’t regret it and he can’t let her go.

-Padmé Amidala has been strangled and yelled at and betrayed by her husband. She has loved with all of her heart and it might have been too much. She can never remember it, but she is often afraid of the one person she should not be and she has wondered what she could have done to fix it.)

.

.

It took him an embarrassing amount of time to figure it out.

Vader and Kenobi fought on Mustafar, by this point a familiar and almost comforting dance. 

Now, however, Vader began to notice… something strange.

Darth Vader always fought this battle with untouched rage as if it was the only fight that ever mattered, no matter how often it was fought. Kenobi matched Vader blow for blow, never slowing. His rage and hatred was just as strong as Vader's, a perfect balance...

Vader made a quick turn and pivot, leaving his back unprotected. Obi-Wan Kenobi did not take the opening.

… At least, Vader had always thought so.

He cut across from his left and met Kenobi's blade, pushing it to the side. Then, with only a moment's hesitation, he shut off his lightsaber and dropped it.

Obi-Wan, who was preparing another strike, instantly lowered his 'saber.

They stood there wide eyed and staring, their breaths quick and in time with one another.

The fool! He should have taken Vader's head when he had the chance. What was he playing at?

His opponent must have guessed a little of what he was thinking because he said, "I cannot kill you, Anakin. I know that you have fallen too far and that duty requires I do, but you are my brother and I cannot."

Vader's heart pounded a wild drum and he felt his mind short-circuit. His mouth wide, he stared at the man in front of him. It might have been seconds or hours or days. 

Finally, his mind rebooted and a familiar rage filled him. He called his weapon to him and jammed it into the other man's gut before he even had time to react.

The other man caressed Vader's jaw. "I loved you," he whispered as Vader lowered him to the ground and then he was still.

Something old and forgotten twisted deep in his gut and he stood there staring at the body for seconds or hours or days. 

.

.

(Anakin Skywalker has killed Obi-Wan Kenobi countless times in countless ways. Once, he counted each time and held it in his mind until the next kill occurred. Once, he thought that the death of Obi-Wan Kenobi was the key to freedom from this endless prison.

Now, Anakin Skywalker doesn't count and he doesn't remember and he knows that there is no freedom from this. He kills Obi-Wan Kenobi anyways. There is something inside of him that rages and grows like a disease and it screams for blood.

-Obi-Wan Kenobi has killed Anakin Skywalker as well, but not as often and he doesn't count or revel in it or even remember it at all. But he cries each time and his soul aches with the weight of it.)

* * *

The first year of Anakin Skywalker's time with the Jedi was spent playing catch up learning all of the things the other kids his age had learned years ago. 

One such task he had been required to learn was meditation. Anakin would wake up early every morning to kneel beside Obi-Wan in their living room. There he would spend hours trying to push everything out of his head until it was just him and the force. Often, he would fall asleep. Mostly, though, he would just get distracted by one thought or another. He tried until he’d become frustrated and then Obi-Wan would send him off to shower.

Finally, after months, Obi-Wan put a hand on Anakin’s shoulder and said, “It is an old saying that only fools keep trying the same approach over and over and expect a different result. Anakin, I have been a great fool.” 

After that, Obi-Wan had piled trinkets and droid parts into their small living room and taught Anakin to clear his mind while they worked. After a week, he could tune the world out while he fixed things until it was just him and the force.

Darth Vader had been stuck in this prison for a lifetime and he had been a great fool. Obi-Wan Kenobi’s death had never solved anything, and it was time to try another approach.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is more disjointed snapshots and Anakin has some revelations.

The room was the kind of dark that left a person feeling trapped and suffocated. Whispers echoed all around him, too many voices and too quietly spoken for him to tell what was being said. Something - maybe a hand - was caressing his shoulders and neck like a possessive lover. 

His knees were starting to ache from kneeling on them for so long and he clutched at his hair. The Force was rolling in chaos around him and he felt like he was back on Mustafar, burning and losing everything he was. 

How was this supposed to give him the knowledge Sidious had sworn he’d need to break this prison of time? He hadn’t known what else to try after realizing that killing Obi-Wan had accomplished nothing and so he had turned to the one person who seemed to still care for him.

Now he was beginning to regret that decision. The travel time had sucked up most of his week and now he was reliving painful memories. He should have known this was a waste of time; nothing good ever came from Sith Temples. 

As if recognizing his growing impatience, the Force became heavier and the whispers stopped. Footsteps echoed around him and Vader’s head shot up. There was no other presence in the Force.

A man came from the darkness. He was clouded in shadow but the light from his red lightsaber illuminated his face. Two empty sockets stared down and when he grinned, his razor teeth glistened. 

Vader stretched out his hand towards the man and was about to speak when everything shifted and he was aboard the Invisible Hand. 

He snarled and punched the controls in front of him, ignoring the sounds of confusion from behind him.

.

.

Vader lunged for Master Windu, his lightsaber igniting as he did so. 

Every master immediately rose from their chairs and someone held Vader still with the Force. It wouldn't be too hard to break free; all he had to do was exert more dominance over the Force than whoever held him.

He could feel Obi-Wan brushing up against his shields, but he ignored him.

“Skywalker! What is the meaning of this?” Vader wasn’t sure who had spoken, but it didn’t really matter. 

"I figured I didn't have anything to lose," he said and then pushed with the Force. 

Things developed into chaos. Even Vader could admit that he couldn't take on the entire Jedi Council on his own, but he sure gave it his best effort.

.

.

This time, Vader demanded Sidious let him do the flying. Maybe he’d actually have the chance to get some answers if he got them to the temple faster.

There was the same suffocating darkness and the same invasive touching.

The same man appeared and Vader had time to ask, “Who are you?” His voice sounded scratchy and he broke into a coughing fit as if he’d just inhaled smoke.

He had time to hear a raspy laugh before he appeared on the Invisible Hand.

.

.

"Anakin, wait a moment,” Obi-Wan said. 

Vader felt his shoulders tense, but he stopped and turned back to the transport. 

“After I report to the Council and you face your adoring fans, let’s meet at Dex’s for dinner. It’s been too long since we’ve done anything so superfluous.” The words were normal, but the tone was too gentle. Kenobi was worried again.

Vader sighed. Just because he was done killing him did not mean he wanted to make nice and listen to Kenobi pretend everything was still the same and that he still cared. “I’m not in the mood, Obi-Wan. I probably won’t ever be again. Find someone else to waste your time with.”

The hurt and concern was obvious in the Force and Vader stalked away before it could be vocalized.

.

.

“I’m pregnant!”

Vader kissed his wife, but the moment felt hollow.

“You’ll get the chance to be a mother; I'll make sure of it."

Padmé's expression morphed into one of confusion. "Is there a reason I wouldn't?" she put her arm on his shoulder as if she could sense his turmoil and wanted nothing more than to comfort him. 

Once this would have filled him with love and amazement that someone could have loved him so completely, but now he just felt distant and unmoved.

"I have to go," he said and left her with her arm outstretched.

.

.

"A most peculiar situation you have found yourself in. Perhaps it is because you have not truly learned of all the power opened to you. I have overestimated the power you have over the Force," Sidious said; that familiar look of disappointment mixed with what Vader now realized was a strange sort of hidden glee. "There is somewhere we must go for you to truly learn of the power the Sith can hold."

Vader was filled with a sudden and intense hatred for the man in front of him. Perhaps it was ungrateful of him and completely uncalled for after all the help Palpatine had given him, but Vader would have liked nothing more than to slam Sidious' head on the desk.

.

.

Vader leaned his head against the back of Padmé's couch and closed his eyes. He could hear her moving around in her bedroom preparing for some meeting and he let himself relax.

How long had it been since he had closed his eyes and truly rested? He hadn't let himself sleep since this whole thing started, but maybe the dreams would stop…

The sounds from the bedroom morphed into pained pleading and Anakin was once again forced to witness to his wife dying.

On awakening, he was struck with the unwanted thought that it was the first time in a while that he hadn't been the direct cause of it. 

.

.

Being on the other side of a Jedi cell was a new experience for Vader and not one he could say he liked. 

Vader lay on the floor and tried his best to breathe normally. The cuffs on his wrists chaffed and he just could not get them comfortable. He couldn’t leave them on his chest because the metal dug painfully into his ribs and so he was stuck resting them on his head.

“Beat you soundly did the Masters we sent.”

Vader closed his eyes. Maybe if he kept his mouth shut the little troll would go away.

“Serves you right, it does. Storm the Senate, you should not have. Penalty of death do the remaining senators want. Unreasonable the request is not.”

_Don’t engage, don’t engage._ Vader clenched his jaw and tried to take deeper breaths.

“Think you deserve death, the Council does not. Confused we are. What happened, we wonder, to make you fall so far? The Sith Master you have encountered, perhaps? Gold Windu said your eyes seemed.”

Who was Yoda trying to fool, pretending to care? Vader was a Sith and had just slaughtered senators. It wouldn’t matter that they were corrupt, the Jedi would fall before they denied the senate and Vader would be dead as soon as the Jedi received information about the Sith. Not that it would matter if his latest plan didn’t work.

“Very worried is Master Kenobi. Wanted to come himself, but foolish we thought it would be.”

“Don’t you dare bring Obi-Wan into this! I don’t care if he’s worried!” After he spoke, he had to take several shaky breaths. Did Fisto really have to kick so hard? 

“Hmmm… Strange that is. But worried are more than Kenobi. Hard it is, to see a good and cared for Jedi struggle so and such horrendous acts commit.”

“I’m not struggling and I’m not doing anything horrendous. I am doing what I have to. And I’d appreciate it if you’d stop pretending like the Jedi give a damn about me or anyone else that doesn’t fit their purposes.”

“Believe that, do you? Saddened that makes me. Help you, we have always strived to. Understand you we may not have, but cared for you we did,” Yoda said. He actually sounded like he meant it and to Vader’s horror he felt his eyes start to burn at the words.

Go away.” Vader would have yelled it if he could have but he didn’t think he’d have the energy. 

Yoda sighed deeply but after a moment Vader heard the distinct sound of a cane moving away in time with footsteps.

After the noise had gone, Vader turned his head to where the Jedi Master had just been. His cheeks felt wet and his chest hurt from more than just the ribs.

* * *

Growing up, Anakin Skywalker would often fall asleep listening to his mother tell him stories of his ancestors and how they had chosen their name for themselves. “We are told that as slaves we have nothing for ourselves,” she would say at the end, “but that is only true if we let it be. Those we come from knew this and they took a name for themselves. The sky is free for everyone. Remember, my Ani, that you are your own person and that you can find your own freedom.” 

His first name his mother had picked out herself. “A strong and noble name for a strong and noble boy,” was her response when Anakin had asked why she’d chosen it.

His new name was chosen for him and he grabbed it readily and eagerly. He did not know why His Master had chosen the name Vader but it sounded like a powerful name, the name of someone who took what they wanted and never let it go.

Anakin Skywalker had died on the banks of Mustafar, but he had cast his name aside before that. He had once been proud of his name but it had begun to ring false. Anakin Skywalker wasn’t strong and noble but weak and afraid. Vader would be better.

He wasn’t Anakin Skywalker anymore but he also no longer felt like Vader. He was no one and he was alone.

* * *

Anakin opened his eyes on the Invisible Hand and felt like crying. His jaw clenched and he tightened his hand on the controls. Obi-Wan was saying something but Vader tuned him out. 

There were plenty of moments in his life when Anakin Skywalker had felt helpless. It was the feeling he hated most in the world and he had always done something to ensure that feeling went away quickly and with force. It seemed that now, no matter how much force he used or how patient he was, he would be helpless forever. 

Anakin snarled and pushed the ship as far as he could. He managed to make it as far as the Jedi Temple and he crashed the ship into it with all the force the Invisible Hand could offer.

If asked later how he had done it, Vader would have no answer. 

No one would ask and Vader would never care to find the answer.

.

.

  
  


Eventually he went to the Temple Archives and spent the entire week studying everything he could about time loops.

Master Jocasta Nu had not even batted an eye when he had asked and had given him all the information she could find. Vader decided he would make sure she lived next time he stormed the temple.

The information turned out to be mostly rumour and myth where the answer to resolving the loop was to learn some sort of moral lesson. It was the type of bantha poodoo he should have expected from the Jedi, but at least he knew he wasn’t the first person this had happened to.

.

.

A girl, around four or five, stood in front of him. Anakin didn't recognize her but he was filled with a deep love for her that was completely different than anything he had felt.

She ran towards him, laughing. Anakin had just extended his arms out to catch her when suddenly the girl stopped. She had seemed to age by fifteen years. Her expression was one of controlled hatred and her chin was raised in defiance. 

"You're a monster," she said. "But maybe you're not even that. You're just the Emperor's dog."

Then the girl was gone and in her place was a young man. He looked terrified. In his hand was a lightsaber. "No! I'll never join you!" The lightsaber clattered to the floor.

Then he wasn't a young man at all but a child around four or five and he was kneeling above Anakin. "There's still good in you. You just have to choose it," he said. And then the boy fell and he was left standing in a throne room with the sound of mechanical breathing and a woman's voice echoing around him. "Monster, monster, monster."

Anakin jolted awake and ran a hand down his face. Since Anakin had started dreaming again he had finally stopped seeing Padmé's death but he had started seeing images that made no sense and left him just as shaken.

He spent hours thinking about what the dream could possibly mean.

.

.

The siege of the temple changed nothing and so seemed unnecessary but whenever he couldn’t think of a new idea, Vader kept coming back to it.

To think some part of him had once felt horrified by what he’d done there. Now it felt as empty as everything else in his life.

.

.

“Rise, Lord Vader.”

Vader did so, and glared at his Master. “I’m not going to Mustafar, Master. You can have someone else deal with the Separatists.”

Sidious’ eyes narrowed and Vader was filled with a hatred that he wasn’t sure was entirely his. The moment only lasted a moment, though, before his features relaxed and he said, “Lord Vader, I have said nothing of Mustafar. Don’t presume to know my plans.”

Vader almost chuckled but settled for hardening his glare instead. “Of course, my Master, forgive my ignorance. I would not dare to assume.”

Kenobi would have recognized the sarcasm and responded in kind. Sidious just smiled.

.

,

Vader watched as Padmé slept, her pregnant belly rising and falling with every breath.

After the loop had started, Anakin hadn't spent much time thinking about his child. The child was abstract; something that Anakin had seen as another symbol of his love for Padmé but not something he had ever thought of as a person.

Ever since the new dreams started, that had changed. Would his child be the boy or the girl? Both seemed unwelcome. Would they truly grow to hate and fear him? He couldn't let that happen. They would grow up to know that everything he had done would be for them. 

He pushed the thoughts away and gently touched the curve of Padmé's stomach. Sometimes he would try to sense his child in the force but it had yet to work. Some part of him wondered if it thought him a monster even now and hid from whatever had corrupted him.

Maybe they were right to.

.

.

"My dear boy, you've been unusually quiet since we returned from the Invisible Hand. Is something the matter?" Sidious was the picture of concerned father-figure Chancellor Palpatine but after so much time Vader was beginning to understand that Palpatine was just that; a picture covering Sidious' true nature. 

"Nothing. I've just been thinking a lot lately."

"Thinking never did hurt. I just can't help but wonder… Did something happen with our lovely Senator Amidala? She seemed eager to speak to you after we arrived." The words were said with great concern, but Vader recognized the edge to Sidious' glance that suggested a curiosity that went beyond fatherly concern.

Obi-Wan would have been more convincing. Anakin was beginning to wonder how he had ever believed Palpatine had cared more than Obi-Wan.

.

.

"Anakin, you've seemed rather pensive during our ride here. Is there anything you'd wish to discuss?" 

Vader glanced back at his former master. His concern sounded so different than that of Sidious' and Anakin found himself filled with a deep longing for days spent listing off every complaint or insecurity while Obi-Wan listened patiently before teaching Anakin something he had never thought of before.

It would be so easy to tell Obi-Wan everything and then except whatever advice or principle he had up his sleeve. 

He tried to think of the words to say, but he kept coming back to that first confrontation on Mustafar and countless other confrontations that had happened after.

"Master, how far would you follow me?"

"Very far, I assure you," Obi-Wan said.

"And what if I fell to the darkside? Would you follow me then?"

Obi-Wan's eyebrows rose impressively high. "That would be very far indeed. But you would never fall to the dark side so we needn't worry."

Anakin clenched his hands into fists. "But if I did, would you follow me?" 

"I believe you know the answer to that, Anakin." Obi-Wan said. 

Vader's chest tightened at the answer and he felt anger and something else boil inside. "Of course you wouldn't! You'd put your misplaced duty above anything else, including me," he said, seething.

Obi-Wan's expression was hopelessly sad. "It would help no one if I were to fall. Besides, if I did then who would be there to save you from yourself?"

"If I were to fall, I wouldn't need saving!" It was stupid of Anakin to bring this up at all. "Never mind. Forget I said anything."

"Anakin," Obi-Wan started to say but Vader walked away before he could finish.

.

.

He stared up at the Jedi Temple. Behind him stood his troopers, waiting patiently to start their siege. He was reminded of Rex who would have had something to say about Anakin taking so long to start a rather straightforward mission while still managing to sound completely subordinate.

However, Rex wasn’t there. And even if he had been, Anakin didn’t think he’d have the ability to question his general any longer.

Sighing, Vader began his march up the steps. It had been quite awhile since he’d lead the siege on the temple but he had run out of ideas and really no longer had any desire for much of anything. Might as well stick with what he knew.

He performed his task as though on autopilot. Jedi after Jedi fell and he found himself whispering their names to himself as he slew them. He’d never really let himself see them as beings he had known, but now it was as if he couldn’t stop it. 

Eventually, he made his way to the initiates. They stood clustered in the same spot in the same positions.

"Master Skywalker, there's too many of them. What are we going to do?" It was always the same boy who said it; clearly terrified but still determined to be brave.

Vader rubbed the button on his saber and prepared to make the familiar move. His heart was beating faster than it had in awhile and he hesitated longer than he should have. He didn't know any of their names. 

"Master Skywalker, are we gonna go now?" That was new. Vader's eyes moved from the boy and landed on the young Togruta girl who had spoken. She shrank under Vader's stare and quickly tried to hide behind another girl.

Another Togruta girl, taller and more outspoken, appeared before Vader and his heart beat increased even more. Memories of rejection and a disappointing last parting stung like an open wound.

Vader pressed the button and took a few steps forward. The younglings all stepped back, eyes wide with confused fear. 

The memories shifted to another girl. This one human, her brown eyes defiant and full of rage. " _Monster, monster, monster. The Emperor's dog."_

A boy joined her, his blue eyes sympathetic and kind. " _There's still good in you."_

Vader stopped, stared at the younglings, and took a deep breath. Over and over he had killed these children but now he couldn't see the point. Here he was doing Sidious' dirty work as if murder was all he was good for.

The Emperor's dog and a monster, the girl had called him. He wasn't anyone's dog and he wasn't a monster. He wasn't. 

Taking another deep breath, he turned around. "Follow me and stay together. We're not coming back for anyone who falls behind."

The children followed eagerly, clutching hands and whispering softly until he turned around and silenced them with a glare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone's doing well and staying safe!
> 
> This chapter was absolute murder to edit and I'm not sure I like how it turned out. Hopefully you still enjoy it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obi-Wan is confused and Anakin accepts some things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Chucks chapter out into the world, screaming*

Anakin opened his eyes, heart racing and ears ringing.

Anakin had always felt deeply. There was never a moment where he didn't feel anger, or fear, or passion, or a deep desire for _more_. Now, though, he just felt a deep pit in his stomach that was unfamiliar. It felt like what he imagined emptiness to be.

The darkness of space stretched out before him and he focused on that and the feeling of metal beneath his flesh hand. Both of his hands were shaking. Someone was saying something but Anakin tuned them out. 

He was supposed to be flying. He could do that. Flying was as easy as breathing, maybe even easier. 

He took a deep breath and turned his full attention to the controls. His momentary lack of action had cost him a little control over their descent, but he had dealt with similar moments all throughout his repeated week and so was an expert at correcting his error. 

There were a few more shouts from behind and attempts at conversation, but Anakin brushed them from his mind. He cast out all thoughts of trusting children and what they looked like lying still and broken. He refused to think about burning planets and what it felt like to choke the life out of someone he loved. He let go of all thoughts until it was just Anakin Skywalker and the Invisible Hand.

All too soon, the ship landed and Planetary Security was swarming to lead the Chancellor to safety.

Sidious paused beside him, possibly to express false concern, but Anakin continued to ignore everything around him and stayed in his seat. 

After a few moments, he felt more movement and there was a hand on his shoulder. Anakin would have ignored it as well, but something brushed against his shield, something warm that he had been ignoring for far too long, and he found the pit in his stomach loosen slightly. 

Anakin turned his head and met the eyes of Obi-Wan Kenobi. Those blue orbs were swimming with so much love and concern that, combined with the light of the Force signature, Anakin found himself losing all of the distance he had fought for the entire flight.

"Obi-Wan," he choked out. The urge to lower his shields and to be comforted completely, to let Obi-Wan see everything, was overwhelming, but he couldn't let Obi-Wan know what he'd done.

Obi-Wan made soothing noises and began running his hands through Anakin's hair like he had done when Anakin was small and suffering from nightmares. 

They stayed like that for minutes, maybe hours. Obi-Wan quietly addressed anyone who boarded the ship, Security and Engineers alike. Anakin supposed they weren't used to Jedi sticking around much after the mission was complete. The council was probably wondering where they were. Sidious was no doubt burning with rage that Anakin hadn't followed him. Anakin didn't care. 

For the first time in what felt like forever, Anakin relaxed - if only barely - and let himself be coddled by Obi-Wan. He pointedly ignored thinking of the reason he needed coddling in the first place.

Eventually, Obi-Wan's hand paused in his hair. "Well, your back is going to be sore from sitting in that chair for so long. Let's go back to the Temple. I'll make you some tea." 

Anakin slowly rose to his feet and followed Obi-Wan out of the Invisible Hand.

  
  
  


They met very few people in the Jedi temple and so arrived at Obi-Wan's quarters rather quickly.

Once there, Obi-Wan nodded to the living space and Anakin bypassed the couch to sit cross-legged by the window. Obi-Wan smiled faintly before moving on to the kitchen to prepare the tea. He rambled on about something ridiculous as he did so. Anakin didn't really listen to what was being said, but found Obi-Wan's voice soothing and let it wash over him. 

Anakin took the time to look around while he waited. He hadn’t been in these quarters since the war started and he became a Knight; They’d both been at the temple so infrequently. Obi-Wan had still managed to visit Anakin in the knights quarters several times, but Anakin hadn’t been bothered to do the same. 

Everything still looked mostly the same, although Obi-Wan used to have more plants. On the table to his left sat a wooden box and Anakin felt something conflicted well up inside him. He leaned over and grabbed the box, turning it over in his hands.

It was a puzzle box, with multiple intricate designs on all sides. Each design corresponded to a secret panel that needed to be moved in sequence to open the box. Anakin had won it from another padawan who had thought Anakin couldn’t sneak out of the temple during class without getting caught. Obi-Wan had been displeased at the bet, but hadn’t made him give it back. He had loved finding interesting things to hide in it but had lost interest in it the older he got and had lost track of it before he’d become a knight. He had no idea that Obi-Wan had kept it.

Obi-Wan came over and handed him a mug and then sat in front of him. He glanced at the box in his hands and then smirked. “You left some Corelian chocolate in there. It was quite a mess. You should be grateful I didn’t make you come back and clean it up yourself.”

The teasing was familiar and Anakin had a vague memory of similar moments. A teasing return was just out of reach, but Anakin couldn’t make the connection. So much had happened since they had last bantered and Anakin felt so far away from the man in front of him. He wouldn’t tease Anakin anymore if he’d known what he’d done. The emptiness from the Invisible Hand continued and Anakin felt exhausted. He set down the puzzle box and ran his finger around the top of his mug. 

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan said, sounding concerned. “What’s happened?” 

He shook his head and didn’t answer. He felt Obi-Wan stretch out with the Force again, but Anakin refused to let him in. 

Obi-Wan sighed, long-suffering, and took a sip of his tea. They sat there in silence. Anakin tried the tea, hoping it would calm him, but found it bitter on his tongue. 

“Do you remember when you skipped Master Pelma’s class to win that box and I invited her for dinner just so that she could give you the lecture you missed? I went terribly easy on you, I’m afraid. I just found it difficult to be disappointed in you, then.” Anakin’s head shot up. That didn’t sound right. He’d thought that was the worst punishment ever when he had been 10. Master Pelma gave the most boring lectures known to man and having to listen to one during his free time had been awful.

Obi-Wan smiled as though he knew what Anakin was thinking. “You were having such a difficult time adjusting to the temple and making friends. I know it was hard for you, being so behind the other younglings and I didn’t know quite how to help you. That incident was the first time you had interacted with a peer outside of classes that I had known of, and I couldn’t bring myself to be upset with you for it. Things have been hard for you, Anakin, and I know I haven’t always known how to help you in the way that you’ve needed. You’ve always done the best you could, however, and have become an amazing Jedi. I couldn’t have asked for a better padawan.”

Anakin stared at Obi-Wan. It wasn’t the first time he had heard his master tell him he was proud; Obi-Wan wasn’t afraid to give praise when it was earned and could be surprisingly sentimental, he’d even said something similar after they had rescued the Chancellor the first time. There had always been something to inspire that praise, though, and this time was completely unprompted. Anakin felt so unworthy of it.

The memories that Anakin had worked so hard to ignore on the Invisible Hand started coming back. He took another sip of tea to try to force off the lump in his throat. It had gone cold. Anakin drained the entire cup.

“I am sorry if I haven’t always been the support that you have needed, but I do wish to help you,” 

The lump in his throat was joined by pressure behind his eyes. “I don’t deserve your help. I never have.”

“I don’t believe that.” Obi-Wan’s voice went so soft and so gentle that Anakin couldn’t keep the tears back any longer. 

After a moment, he felt Obi-Wan pull him into a hug. With their positions and Anakin’s height it was slightly uncomfortable, but Anakin didn’t care. 

“I’m sorry, Master. I’m so sorry.”

“When was the last time you slept?”

Anakin shrugged as best as he could in his position. “I dunno. A while.” 

Obi-Wan sighed. He’d been doing that a lot. “Come, let’s get some rest. I’ll even let you take my bed. We’ll talk in the morning.”

Anakin slowly got up and headed to the bedroom, too worn out to argue. It didn’t take him long to fall asleep.

* * *

Sleep came rather easily and with sleep came the dreams.

He was standing in the middle of a sand storm. The wind raged around him and on the wind he thought he heard words he couldn’t make out. There was something just out of reach. Something light and familiar. Something that held all the answers. 

He tried to follow the sound and find what was missing, but the sand kept him back. He turned in circles, trying to find a way out.

“Ani!” He turned at the sound, searching. It was coming from the opposite direction of the thing out of reach. “Anakin!” 

“Padmé!”

And then she was there, barely visible through the sand, her hand out-stretched. “This isn’t what I wanted!” Her hand went up to her throat as if trying to pry fingers off of it. Anakin reached for her but she took a step back and then he was staring at his mother. She looked just the same as she had the last time he had seen her, bruised and bleeding. Around her lay fresh bodies.

“What have you done, Ani?”  
  


Anakin flinched. “They took you from me.”

His mother looked at him with disappointment in her eyes. “My sweet boy, let go,” She said. And then she disappeared and he was consumed by the storm. 

“Come back!” He yelled into the wind, his hand outstretched. “I’m sorry.” Someone grabbed his hand and he was dragged out of the storm and onto a metal platform. Standing there was the blond boy with bright blue eyes. He was surrounded by that same elusive, light thing Anakin had felt in the storm but it was still out of his reach.

The boy stared down at Anakin with kindness. “Let go, father. Come back.” 

* * *

Anakin woke up to Obi-Wan shaking his shoulder.

He blinked in confusion. The storm from his dream lingered, but he tried to focus entirely on Obi-Wan. “Huh? Wussit?”

“They’ve found General Grievous. I’ve been requested to go and retrieve him. The war may finally be at an end. I don’t have to leave for a few more hours and I thought we could speak before I left. I didn’t want to leave you alone.”

Anakin froze in the middle of rubbing his eyes. With everything that had happened yesterday, he had forgotten about General Grievous. The idea of Obi-Wan leaving filled Anakin with dread. Every time Obi-Wan left to Utapau, Anakin had done something horrible. 

He sat up, fully awake. “You can’t go, Obi-Wan!”

“Yes, well I don’t really want to leave you in this state either, but if it’s to end this war then I must. I can find someone to sit with you, if you’d like.” 

“But we just got back. How have they found Grievous already?”

“You’ve been asleep a few days, Anakin. There’s a lot you missed. I will fill you in when I return, but now I believe we really should discuss what happened after we rescued the Chancellor.”

  
  


Obi-Wan had always been an incredibly dutiful Jedi. That was one thing he had simultaneously hated and admired about Obi-Wan - although recently it was mostly hated. Right now it was most definitely hated. Obi-Wan was constantly trying to get Anakin to address his feelings and talk to him. The one time he was finally ready to talk, Obi-Wan had to go and choose his duty over him.

“You don’t understand! I _need_ you! You need to tell me what to do.”

Obi-Wan’s brows furrowed. “Anakin, I have never been able to tell you what to do. And you are quite capable of figuring out what to do on your own. However, all you need to do right now is rest. I have informed the council that for your work taking down Dooku, you've earned a reprieve and that you'll be taking it now." 

Anakin scoffed. A _reprieve._ The war didn't allow for reprieves. And this one wouldn't matter, not when he would just end up back on the Invisible Hand.

Obi-Wan sighed at the scoff. "Anakin, please. I think it would also do you well to take some time by yourself to ruminate on what you're feeling and to search answers in the Force. You _have_ always seemed to prefer coming to terms with these things on your own."

Anakin didn't think he was imagining the slight reprimand in the last sentence and it made him angry. Obi-Wan had no right to reprimand him about dealing with everything on his own. Obi-Wan never pushed to know. And when he did, he expected Anakin to behave like a good Jedi; to address his feelings and then just let them go. As if that was easy. 

And now he wanted Anakin to dwell on his feelings. Didn't he know that was Anakin's problem? Anakin stood up from the bed so that Obi-Wan wasn't looking down on him any longer.

_Come back,_ he heard but he pushed the thought away.

"So you're going to just leave me alone, like always, and expect everything to just be fine when you get back? It's never fine!"

"Anakin -"

"No, Obi-Wan! Don't you see? I didn't have you last time, that's why I've been stuck!" 

"I don't understand. Stuck? Do you mean stuck as in static and unable to find answers in the Force? Master Yoda would -"

"Kriff Master Yoda!" Anakin stepped forward until they were nearly nose to nose. His anger increased even more at the mention of the small Master. There was that comforting whisper in the back of his mind, urging him to give in. The familiar pull of the dark side. The comforting power that came with being Darth Vader. "I won't let you abandon me again! I need you. More than the karking Council has ever needed you. More than you're needed in Utapau!"

"Anakin!" Obi-Wan's voice was the one he used when he commanded - loud and sharp but still with that damnable gentleness Obi-Wan just never seemed able to get rid of - but his eyes were wide and confused and his hand was inches from his 'saber.

Vader growled at the sight and reached out to grab his own 'saber from where he had put it the night before, and then realized that it was already in his hand and that Obi-Wan's position was one of defense, not attack.

He remembered Obi-Wan holding back when they fought, remembered what those blue eyes looked like lifeless, remembered being nine and alone and clinging desperately to a Padawan trying to become a Master.

_Let go,_ he heard and this time he listened.

The lightsaber fell from his hand and he took a step back, his blood freezing and the anger receding as fast as it came.

"I-I…" Other memories began flooding in, recent ones, and every lie he'd ever told himself started to fall away. Anakin found himself desperately wishing for the anger or the emptiness from before. Anything was better than this… this _despair._ The darkside still lingered, but Anakin found himself reluctant to turn to it. He wanted to; he wanted to give into the anger and forget about everything that had led him here. But he couldn't. Why couldn't he?

What was Anakin _doing?_ Did he really think Obi-Wan would make it all better? Why did he have to save those younglings? It wasn’t like it had really mattered anyways. 

Obi-Wan was speaking and stepping forward as if approaching an angry beast with a thorn in his paw. 

He couldn't let Obi-Wan reach him. He couldn't tell him what he'd done. Anakin bolted towards the door and began to run down the hall.

"Anakin!" Obi-Wan called and Anakin knew that he would follow. That was fine. He was an expert at evading Obi-Wan Kenobi. 

The Jedi Temple was huge with multiple paths that would lead from the Masters quarters to the exits. Usually, Anakin would think of a ploy to lead his old master down another path or just take him down the busiest path where somebody was bound to stop him for a chat. Anakin didn’t have the patience or energy to do either this time and just ran down to the end of the hall where there was a big window. It was made of duristeel and was meant to be harder to break, but Anakin had lots of practice at breaking things.

The nearer he got to the window, the more he sped up and he pushed out with the Force as he did so. He turned with the collision so his left shoulder took the brunt of it and then braced for falling and landed on his feet

“Anakin,” he heard from above, the sound incredibly exasperated and concerned, but Anakin didn’t stick around to find out whether or not Obi-Wan would follow. Instead he continued running around to the front of the temple where he found an unaccompanied speeder to commandeer.

Once on the speeder, he was alone with his thoughts. It was an uncomfortable parallel to yesterday when he had once again appeared back on the invisible hand. This time he found that he couldn’t tune them out nearly as well.

He had saved the younglings. At the time, he had only been thinking of the kids in his dream and proving the girl wrong. Now, he couldn’t stop thinking of the first time he’d stormed the temple. He’d killed those younglings. It had been a horrible thing to do, he’d known it even then, but it had been for Padmé. He would do anything for Padmé. 

He thought of going to Padmé now - she was his angel, she had seen the darkest parts of him and accepted them all - but he couldn't bring himself to. He remembered too well what she looked like frightened of him. 

Instead, he ended up on the lower levels of Coruscant in a run-down cantina. He didn't care much for alcohol, but he wouldn't be bothered there. 

He sat down at a corner booth and glared at anyone who tried to approach him. Anakin put his head in his hands. He had told Obi-Wan that having him on his side might stop the loop and he almost believed it. After all, he'd never just tried telling Obi-Wan everything before. He wasn't sure, though. After all, he had also thought that _killing_ Obi-Wan was the key to getting out and that had gotten him nowhere. 

He thought of what Obi-Wan would say if Anakin had told him everything. _Trust in the Force,_ probably. Or maybe, _meditate and the Force will guide you._

His relationship with the Force had always been complicated. His connection to it had been incredibly strong but he had always struggled to completely follow and understand it. 

It was easy with the Darkside. He didn't need to listen to the Force, only dominate it. He relished the feeling of finally being in control.

Only now, he realized that he hadn’t been in control at all.

Anakin had never been the Jedi he should have been. The Jedi teachings had been easy to understand until they applied to him.

He wanted too much and refused to accept things less than how he thought they should be. He’d been counseled to face his fears and learn to let go of his want again and again by multiple Jedi Masters, including his own. He’d never listened. Even now, he didn’t think he could listen.

He rubbed his temple and tried to clear his mind. “Fear leads to anger,” he mumbled, “Anger leads to hate, hate leads to the Darkside.” He tried to reach out and find guidance in the Force but it felt elusive to him. He thought of that dream he’d had that morning. 

“I’m not ready,” he said.

He couldn’t do what the dream had said, but he could stop Sidious. Perhaps that would be enough.

He grabbed a napkin and borrowed a stylus from the barkeep and then started composing a list.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I did not expect to take so long to update. If anyone's still there, I'm sorry this took me forever. RL was crazy. Hopefully it's worth the wait!
> 
> When I started this story, I did not realize just how hard writing the themes and ideas I wanted to address in this story would be for me. I rewrote this chapter soooo many times. I still don't think I'm really addressing them the way I wanted, but thats ok!
> 
> I think I should explain this chap cause its a little different than the others.. when I decided to go this way. When I originally planned this story, Anakin was just going to kill Palpatine over and over in this chap until he meets up with Ahsoka on Mandalore, fight Maul who said he was going to become the Sith apprentice, and then he'd break down and tell Obi-Wan everything. But I just couldn't get that to flow so I took sometime to really think about this story.
> 
> I think Anakin totally knows exactly what he's doing wrong in ROTS. The whole thing is just him fighting between his conscious and what he want. He justifies a lot to fit his choices. So I feel like him actively choosing to do something that stops that choice he knew was wrong would bring everything crashing down around him. Hence this chap. I was still going to have him tell Obi-Wan everything but Anakin just did not want to. He would much rather be dramatic and jump out a window.
> 
> Anyways, feel free to tell me what you think! I should have the next chap up relatively soon.


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